sexual/lounge/thought

Have you ever heard that one song that makes you feel sexy,soulfull,and hard all at the same time? Or saw a movie that makes you wish you had that make up/break up love,cause in the end you know that the one your with makes you feel like...I can't even think of a word to describe the feeling.I have even though I don't believe in love like that I sometimes wish I did. I mean having sex with who ever you want is cool but waking up next to that one person that gets you for you feels good. So until I'm able to get over my trust issues I'll just continue to watch the movie Love Jones with larenz Tate and Nia Long and listen to the afterglow.

The god complex

Well I'm back for another post of my dramatic mildly boring life. In today's episode I had to deal with the issues of me being lazy (this coming from a teacher who sits on her ass all day). She says I'm no longer putting forth an effort to do my school work. I can't say she's wrong since it seems like I'm having a crisis of faith lately. I want to graduate and go on to Princeton university but it seems that the school district has beaten my will to better my self. The blame isn't just on them, I've become so holier than though that I began to think that I don't have to do shit. That because I take honor and AP courses that I get to sleep in class and not have to prove myself. I'm really starting to think that I have a god complex. I walk around thinking that nothing people say phases me yet cry like a bitch on the inside. I tell people that helping slow kids in school makes a difference when really I could care less and want to them out of my class, because we have to slow down and repeat stuff. The more I think about I'm slowly becoming that guy that grows up and starts a cult,that you remember going to high school with and couldn't believe murdered his followers. It's always the nice one's. Then again I'm not really nice to people. I use sarcasm to cover up my problems and put down others so I can swoop in and save them to make myself look better. How many people can admit that they are screwed the fuck up? And I think that the worst part is,that I know I have problems,I have no excuse not to change. Most people can't even admit what's wrong with them,but to know what's wrong with you and not do anything about it makes you deserve everything that comes next.

Intimacy

We'll today is starting off to be one of those days of soul searching.I keep trying to justify my reasons of not wanting to be close with other people.I don't mind fucking but opening up about feelings and shit scares me.I don't date really and the last time I was in a real relationship I was about 12.That one ended badly because she thought I didn't like her when in reality I lost her number on purpose because we were getting to close,we'll as close as 12 years old's can get.I've never had my heart broken and maybe that's the problem.I'm so afraid of being hurt and losing my identity to someone else that I'm becoming cold hearted.I couldn't cry at my aunt's funeral even though we were real close.Because the thought of being open in front of people scares me.The one person I've really had a chance to be honest with I blew it because I didn't trust him.(chicks and dudes rock!)Now that we've met up again thanks to myspace(you gotta love it)I might just be able to say how I feel.That of course depends on if he can be honest and tells me how he feels also.I'm not afraid of making the first move when it comes to sex but admitting I like some is like saying Daria is the life of the party.Kinky sex,awkward silences,Marvel killing Spider-Man's and Mary Jane's marriage I can handle but say love and I run faster than a slave that nocked up master's daughter.

Daria and me

OK,it's Saturday and it's the middle of the day and I have nothing to do.I went to the hospital to see my cousin only to find out she was released on Thursday (No one called and told me).And here I'm telling total strangers my problems while watching old episodes of Daria I downloaded.Am I so anti-social that the thought of hanging out with my friends sends me into a fit? I mean I like my friends(sometimes) and it's true that I tend to abuse them verbally and what not but damn.Are they that horrible that I rather watch reruns of an old cartoon that basically sums up my high school life in a nut shell? No,the problem I have is that I wanna want to do everything I want and not listen to to them talk about bullshit.Hence my dilemma.So in order to solve my problems I've come up with a list of solutions:

1.admit that I'm selfish

2. Pretend to enjoy what my friends want to do

3.order pizza and watch more episodes of Daria and ponder why my slowly killing my social life

I think I'll choose 3 for my dollars.I mean what type of person alienates themselves from the people who' always had their backs? The real question I'm asking is why is Daria always wearing the same outfit?

Ungratefull cousins and their lovers.

What the fuck is so wrong with stopping by to say goodbye to your cousin before you leave to go back to college? My fucking cousin didn't even call me to say goodbye.Not only have I've been there when she decided all of a sudden she was gay (after she dragged me all around to help her find a man to forincate with). I've prettended to give a damn about her love life,didn't smack the bitch when she decided to pimp me out at a gay sex club to some guy from NewYork (We'll save that for a later post).But I've been there when she needed me the most and then come's her.Not only did she sleep with Utopia(my cousin).She knew she had a girl friend and still didn't give a fuck,but the part that makes me mad is that she slowly changed Utopia into everything I hate.I mean I know that's her chick but damn,you see her every day not your cousin.You figure she would want to say goodbye to the one who helped her ass out and took the blame when she fucked up.Long story short I have no cousin named Utopia,I know some people might say I'm whining like a girl but I say "Khannnnnnnnn!"



Thanks for reading my stupid post,this is my first time writing a blog so bare with me.

I look forward to writing about everything from comics to the horrors of realizing your not as smart as people say you are and you've just been winging it your life.
(P.S I didn't do anything with the guy she tried to pimp me to.)